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Monday, March 26, 2012

4 a.m. worry-fest.

Yep. It's almost 4 a.m.
I took my good drugs too late today, so no sleep for this college diva.
I so desperately want to lay in my freshly washed sheets and take a snooze but....my mind is racing.

Not only is it racing because it's hopped up on drugs, but my life right now is CRAY-CRAY.

You think I'm kidding.

I have not only 1 major test this week but 2. Oh, and they're back to back.
I've been studying all weekend but there just comes a time when you just can't read another question about acoustics or frequency or inertia in the vocal tract. I mean, I just couldn't do it anymore.

Okay.
I sometimes get into these weird funks where I am so paranoid and I start freaking myself out about things I shouldn't even be worried about?
That sentence didn't make sense.

But, at this very point in time, I am sincerely worried about my family back in Pontotoc.
Like, worried as in I hope they are okay. And I hope they will be okay.
I just...worry. And stress and sometimes I feel like I could cry because I am so worried for them.
I wish I could put my emotions and worries into words.
That way, I could have an exact point of existence.
You know, the whole basis of my worry?
But, I can't.

My mom recently started a new job and she seems to love it.
MUCH better environment than where she was.
I've started associating change with bad(this is fairly recent-I blame MUW) so maybe my worry is my subconscious worry for my mom. With change, there will always be risk.
Simply because something new is unknown. And maybe I'm worried about the unknown.


My brother is a junior this year. And he got this drivers license a month ago. And he started driving. And he's trying to get a job at The Pig. And he's going to prom. With a real-life girl. Whom I've never met.
I am very protective of my baby brother. Admittedly too protective at times. But, that's a lot of change for this big sister.
But, my worry for him is nothing new.
I worry for him constantly.


Gracie Bug is growing up. That worries me a lot.
I know what the children said to me when I was her age and when I was in school.
Kids can be mean. And Gracie has seen that.
It's just that, Gracie will not listen to me.
She refuses to take advice from someone who has been exactly in her shoes.


And with all of this comes a whole slew of worries that happen daily in our house.
Something breaks...
Someone gets mad for something that was said...
Money...
School...
Homework...
Friends...

And then, I remember my own worries here in Columbus...
School, which is the reason I'm medicated and unable to sleep.
Money. Gosh, this one is the worst.
Grades.
My family back home.
My future. Big changes have happened in this department. (I'm gonna blog about it when I'm out of school)
My safety. Columbus can be super scary.
Clinic hours. oh em gee. I don't think I'll ever get out of there!
Projects. Projects. Projects.
My to-do list that seems to be never ending.
Dr.'s appointments. (hate these-huge worries)
And just the typical, everyday little things. They seem to really get to me.


I am thankful for the life I'm living. I really, truly am.
I am just having trouble seeing the "Big Picture".

caitlyn.


2 comments:

Alyssa said...

I'm up too late because I didn't take my good drugs early enough...maybe we should swap? Anyway, I have a feeling that when this semester's over you're gonna feel like a whole new person. More sleep, more security, more able to accept the changes coming at you because they'll be changes you want to see happen. I'm praying for ya girl!

Lauren said...

Blogs are amazing! Isn't it neat how we can express ourselves in a way that we can't in "real life" You know I always have your back, best, but I know God has a MEGA plan! He knows what we need even when we don't. I understand the scared part, but give it up to HIM! He's sufficient. PROMISE! Love you!

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