A Letter To My Younger Self

So, as I was sitting alone in my apartment this weekend, studying Phonetics and trying to understand the use of the Criciodarytnoid cartilage because I have this mega test Thursday that is a really big deal, I had an epiphany.
My life(to me) has been a crazy, topsy-turvy, unpredictable blob of circumstances. And boy, oh boy! I have a lot to say.

So, I decided to write A Letter To My Younger Self.

here we go.


Dear precious Caitlyn,

You are the tender age of 13. And very unsure of what is going on around you. You're not sure why mama is crying so much or why daddy isn't around like he used to be. Nanaw comes over a lot. And you have this sense that something isn't right.

You're very young, so, you aren't supposed to know exactly what is going on but, you certainly know that it's not good. You go to school and all you can think about is why is mama crying so much. And you worry what it's going to be like when you get home. But, you are a strong-willed, independent woman-just like your mother. It's just that neither of you know it yet.

"Divorce is a bad thing" is what you have heard your entire life. So, you keep telling yourself that it will never happen to your parents. But, sweet girl, sometimes bad things end up having a sweet ending. The divorce will teach you more than you can ever imagine. You will appreciate the lessons that you would not have learned otherwise. I look back on this and I think that it was a blessing. God knew exactly what He was doing.



You will be angry some. Okay, actually, most of the time. But, it's only because of the hurt you are experiencing. Mama can only be so much. And she is doing the best that she can, which is perfectly enough. And there are people there actually wanting to help you. You have a wonderful support system that only has the best for you in mind. Just, don't shut them down.



But, in everything that happens, be thankful. Be thankful for the opportunity to see this now and not 20 years later when you yourself is faced with divorce. Be thankful that you now know what you DO NOT want in a marriage. And what kind of men not to fall for. The life-lessons you will take from the divorce, you will never have another opportunity to learn.



You will go throughout high-school, and you are just dying to get out of there! You just know that college is SO much better. And you would be correct! Your first year of college will be the best ever. You will meet so many wonderful people, and you will sorta-kinda figure out who you are as a person. But, most importantly, you will learn not to be angry with God about the terrible time you had with your parents divorce. You very slowly begin to see His plan. But, you have only seen a small glimpse of what He has in store.

You will change your major 7 times. That's right-7. Bless you, you just can't figure it out. But, you finally do. The summer before your 3rd year at ICC(aka-the best place on earth), you decide on Speech Pathology. And at first, you were kinda skeptical about it (and you still are skeptical about it 2 years later) but, like always, this will turn out like it's supposed to.(I can't say how it does turn out because that part is still on-going.) The only thing I can rejoice in is that God knows EXACTLY what He is doing.


The life-lessons you have learned thus far will be of great use your last semester at ICC. You will become very sick and you will not know why. But YOU WILL NOT BE ANGRY AT GOD. I repeat: YOU WILL NOT BE ANGRY AT GOD. What you are going through is bad and painful and comes at a really really bad time. But, you need to know that it is all happening for a reason. You will be a better person for it. All of the pain and stress and anger and MESS will all be justified one day. Yes, it hurts. And no, it's not fair. Just, don't question why it is happening to you.
You will know in perfect time.


And last but certainly not least, finding a "man" is a HUGE deal to you. All of your friends have boyfriends and you are just awkward and unfortunate, but you are beautiful and one day, the perfect man will come into your life. And you will be SO thankful you didn't give those guys the time of day. He will be all of those ridiculous, charming, romantic things you have on that list of yours. He hasn't come along for me yet, but I know he is out there.

So, there are a lot of rough, emotional, unfortunate things that will happen in your life. But, there are more spectacular, joyful, wonderful, funny things that will happen, too.
Just wait and see.

One last thing... In everything you do, be thankful. Be thankful for the life you are blessed with. Be thankful for that job that you will hate some days but squall your eyes out when it's time to quit. Be thankful for the strong, independent, hilarious mother God has blessed you with. Be thankful for your health. Be thankful for the cold weather. And be thankful that you are alive.

I love you, very much.

Caitlyn.

True Life: I'm a college student.

Hey there!

Number one: I'm ready to be done with school. I'm SO over witchy *ehm* teachers.

Number two: my search for grad schools has begun. Goodness, I'm ready to be done. The only thing getting me through is the thought of what I will be doing and the pay check. Hey, that may be terrible, but I do love the finer things in life. But, in all seriousness, I am so blessed to have picked a profession that will allow me to better someone's quality of life.
I absolutely love Speech Pathology.
I've changed majors 7 times. This one feels right.

Number three: This weekend, I attended church here in Columbus. I went to First Baptist Columbus and I really liked it. It has been a long time since I've been to church so, walking in to a place where I've never been, not knowing anyone, and having not been to church in years, it was a bit daunting.... But, I really enjoyed it. The service was very contemporary and was what I needed. I'm going to the college and career class tomorrow night and I'm super nervous about it. But also super excited about it. I haven't met many people at all since I've started school, so hopefully maybe I'll make some friends.

Number four:Pinterest is my new obsession. If you don't have a Pinterest, I'd gladly invite you! Everyone should have one. Just send me your email address and I'll hook you up! I have a wedding board entitled "Best Day of my Life" for my future marital blowout, I have a shoe board entitled "I <3 cute shoes." because we allll know how much I love shoes, I have a future home board entitled "Swanky Home Ideas" so when that time does come, I'll know exactly what I want, I have a board that is titled "I NEED THIS!" and it's basically everything I see that my heart desires, I have a "Caitlyn's Crafty Crafts" which is exactly what the title says... Can I get my Masters Degree in Pinterest?!?!?! Heck, I'd be top of the class.
(We all see where my passion is, don't we? haha....)

Number five: As a few of you know, I will be going through some serious changes within the next few months. So, thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated as I move forward with my life.
You know, I could sit here and complain about how my life is terrible and question why I was cursed with PTC and all...but in reality, there is ALWAYS someone else who is worse off than you. Even in the worse of my sickness, the spinal tap that I thought was gonna kill me, the endless doctors appointments, the mounds of medicine I take daily,there was and IS someone else in the world who is worse off than me. And THAT is a very humbling thing to think.
I am so blessed.


Alright friends... I need to go study.

love.
caity.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.

I hope everyone is doing grand.

While I write this, I can hear my roommate in the living room, swoon over her "new man".

"You're wonderful-er, and sweet...." blah, blah, blah.

*Vomit*.

ha-ha.




When people ask me how school is going, I usually say...

"It's going well. It's pretty challenging, but I really enjoy it."...

That's on a good day...


The Truth?


School is hard. I cry almost everyday from the pressure and the competition in this program.

It's cut throat. You're swimming with sharks.

You think I'm kidding?

ha. no, I'm not.

Elementary Education is starting to look better and better as the weeks go on...



But, let me just say, I love my major. LOVE IT. I love the material, I love the clients, I LOVE
observations, I love it all.
That's what is keeping me going and studying and sacrificing life;

to work with these people who need my help because they cannot communicate their needs.

Gosh, I can't wait to have my degree.


This is what I'm living for:

“…a career in speech-language pathology challenges you to use your intellect (the talents of your mind) in combination with your humanity (the gifts in your heart) to do meaningful work that feeds your soul… I am proud to be a member of what I consider to be the best profession on earth.”

I'm ready to be done so I can do my job.
In time, in time...

Switching gears....


I was invited to attend a "panty party" for my friend, Ashley McGee, who is getting married
veryyyyyyy soon! AHH! We met up at Ash's house and had a wonderful time visiting and laughing at
the crazy gifts she received. It was definitely a fun, fun night....

I am so happy for this sweet girl. It's crazy to think that just 3 years ago, I was a freshman and she
was a super-sophomore showing me the ropes of ICC....Crazy how time flies!


Being around all of my friends whom I don't see very much, it made me realize how different I am
now that what I was 3 years ago... I am a totally, completely changed person. People who I
graduated high school with are graduating this year from college and going to work. How crazy is
that?! They are in serious relationships and getting engaged and married. Change is happening all
around me.

This weekend has been an eye opening one for me.

I apologize for the awkward spacing... My blog is acting weird and I can't correct it. :(

I hope y'all have a wonderful week.

caitlyn.

Perfect Timing.

When you hear the phrase... "Everything happens for a reason", most of us take it with a grain of salt and don't think another thing about it.
I know I do.


But, really wrap your brain around that...
Everything that is happening in your life is happening for *some* reason.

Good or bad. Perfect or imperfect. Happy or sad.

It's HAPPENING. Whether we like it or not. It is happening.



(terrible) Examples:



Today, I wore some flip-flops that I don't usually wear and while I was walking in the rain, I stepped in a huge puddle of water. If I would have been wearing my $50 Rainbow flip-flops, I would have been upset. But for some reason I decided not to wear them. They were right there next to the door. But, instead I put something else on. I didn't have any reason to wear different flip-flops. I just did.



I am really learning to love MUW. At first, I was definitely skeptical about being in Columbus, alone with no family or best friend, but God knew exactly what he was doing when He put me here. It feels....right. I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be in this phase of my life.



I have had some pretty amazing people come into my life recently. They have helped me, encouraged me, made me happy when I was having a rough go of it, made me smile after a long day, and have been listening ears when I needed to vent. I am oh-so thankful for these people.




These, I know, are ridiculous but it's the best I could think of.
I've just come to the revelation of what ever burden or happy thing that is going on in life, it is happening to me for some reason. I can learn some "life-lesson" from it and can/will become a better person from it.



This was on my heart tonight.



love.

ck.

Amen.

Do you hate me?

I'm sorry, I'm just not very good at this "blog" thing...

I apologize.

Welllllllll, since it's been a while since I've updated, I guess I should fill you in on life from my end.

I've started "Big Girl" school.

I'm at MUW studying Speech Pathology.

It's only made me cry once so far.

But, seriously. It's hard. I'm not even gonna lie.

I miss ICC like crazy. Not only the people, but the ridiculously easy classes...

ICC people, prepare. "Big" school is hard!

I pray I make it though the next 4 years.

I have my first test this Thursday. It is in Anatomy and Physiology of Speech and Hearing. I'm not ashamed to ask for prayers. Because I will need it. It's one of the hardest classes in the program. (supposedly)

Let's see...

What else has been happening...

-I've moved into my new apartment with my two new roommates. So far, it's going swell. Nothing too terrible has happened... :)

-I'm slowly exploring Columbus... It's definitely not Pontotoc. Or Fulton.

-I've made new friends who have the exact same emotions towards the SLP program as I do. And I am so thankful I have people to vent to. Oh so thankful.

-I recently turned 21! That's right. I'm legal now. ;)

-Adele is my favorite artist right now. Don't ask me why, but I'm obsessed with her. When I've had a really stressful day at school, you can find me in my room, blaring some Adele.

-As some of you already know, in the last few weeks, a lot of "firsts" have happened. And I am so so SO excited about it. That's all I want to say right now. Maybe there will be a blog about it soon. :)

-And saving the best for last, I received an excellent Dr.'s report on my pseudo tumor issues! PTL!

Well, I really need to get back to studying.

love.

ck.

Today.

Today.

Today, I leave my best friend. Oh, how I've enjoyed visiting with her these past 2 days...

Today, I am stressed about my future. I look around and things aren't happening like I would like.

Today, my heart jumps at the thought of moving to Columbus. Away from my family, away from my friends, away from everything I've always known.

Today, I'm feeling bittersweet towards the future. Scared, nervous but excited and ready.

Today, I do not understand somethings in my life. But, am I supposed to understand everything?

Today, Facebook has gotten the better of me and essentially, I have "stalked" too much.

Today, I am realizing the "newness" that is about to overcome me. And, I'm scared.

Oh, today... Please be nice to me.

caitlyn.

Pseu-Pseu-Pseudo-Tumor.

Hello everyone.

So, I know alot is circulating out there about me and I just want to clarify. So, here is just whats going on...

If you don't know me too well, you didn't know that this past semester in school was the hardest for me. I was taking 24 semester hours, working 2 jobs and babysitting 3 days a week. I was stretched thinnnn. So, of course, all of my health problems I just gave up to stress and sleep deprivation. Looking back, I wish those would have been my only problems.

In April, I began to lose my vision. I was very very dizzy. I had ridiculous headaches. But, of course, I chocked up all up to stress.

Until the day I had my wreck....

Scariest experience of my life.

I wasn't sure if I had blacked out when it happened- I couldn't remember.

This is when my sweet mama began to worry...

Within the next few days, my health went from bad to worse. It was Easter weekend and I couldn't even go to church on Easter. So, Good Monday rolls around, and I am first one in the doctors office. He immediately sent me for an MRI and ran alot of tests on me.

As I look back on that day, I remember seeing the distress in my mama and daddy's faces as I was taken back. It was rough.

MRI=done.

Result=nothing. nada. nado. ziltch.

We were in a state of relief. Maybe the tests will reveal something? Hopefully.

I am sent home with a bag full of medicine and ordered to sleep.

The next few days after this are a blur of things...

Things really were not adding up and were not getting better so, my mother researched and researched until she found some answers.

She made me an appointment to see an Ophthalmologist who referred me to a Neurologist. She wouldn't tell me exactly what was going on, but she knew already what was wrong with me.

I was diagnosed on April 27, 2011 with a neurological disease called Pseudotumor Cerebri. Or, Benign Intercranial Hypertension. To explain, I have an excess of spinal fluid on/around my optic nerve(causing my loss of vision) putting pressure on the nerve and causing me all of these problems. My body thinks I have a brain tumor, but I really don't. Make sense?

To treat this, I am on several medicines to help the fluid to drain.

If the pressure doesn't improve and go down, I will sustain permanent vision loss.

I had an MRI on Monday, I saw an Ophthalmologist on Wednesday, I had a Spinal Tap on Thursday, thought I was dying on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

The LP(lumbar puncture) was to confirm the diagnosis and also to relieve some of the pressure. And it was as terrible as it sounds. I really, honestly thought I was dying.

It has been about 2 months since the diagnosis, and my pressure has gone from the worst it can possibly be to better, but still not good. I am now facing surgery to prevent me from losing my vision. We will know at the end of July for sure if I need surgery.

Please, if you are a praying person, please pray for me.

And for those of you already praying for me, thank you, so much.

I have a long road ahead...

caitlynk.